The Bizarro Jerry
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JERRY
All right. How 'bout this one: let's say you're abducted by aliens.
GEORGE
Fine.
JERRY
They haul you aboard the mother ship, take you back to their planet as a curiosity. Now: would you rather be in their zoo, or their circus?
GEORGE
I gotta go zoo. I feel like I could set more of my own schedule.
JERRY
But in the circus you get to ride around in the train, see the whole planet!
GEORGE
I'm wearin' a little hat, I'm jumpin' through fire.. They're puttin' their little alien heads in my mouth..
JERRY
[resigned] At least it's show business..
GEORGE
But in the zoo, you know, they might, put a woman in there with me to uh.. you know, get me to mate.
JERRY
What if she's got no interest in you?
GEORGE
W--then I'm pretty much where I am now. At least I got to take a ride on a spaceship.
[time: 00:43]
[Commercial Break]
[Exterior long shot: looking up at an office building]
[Interior of office reception area of "Brand/Leland" as GEORGE, JERRY, and KRAMER come in. They calmly keep it quiet.]
KRAMER
George, why couldn't I use the bathroom in that store?
GEORGE
Krama, trust me, this is the best bathroom in midtown!
KRAMER
[frustrated] Wha??
JERRY
[dry] He knows.
GEORGE
{Anyway,} on the left--exquisite marble! High ceilings. An' a flush, like a jet engine! [imitates sound] Ha ha!
KRAMER
[impressed] Now, listen, uh. You better not wait. I'll catch you later.
GEORGE
You sure?
JERRY
[dry] He knows.
[KRAMER goes on his mission and they're waiting for the elevator as the RECEPTIONIST calmly arrives, not noticing them.
She could be a model.]
GEORGE
Wow.
Nice.
JERRY
Why don't you try your engagement story?
GEORGE
[considers, but got into elevator] Won't work.
JERRY
Are you sure?
GEORGE
[wry] He knows.
[Reggie's diner. ELAINE and KEVIN, a geekish nice guy in a red jacket, are eating at a table. ELAINE is a little bored,
dreading.]
ELAINE
Look. Kevin. I really like you, heh, heh, uh. But, um, maybe we'd be, better off just being.. friends. [takes a bite of her
sandwich]
KEVIN
Friends?
ELAINE
Well. I mean. [distracted by the food] Oh, god. This tuna tastes like an old sponge.
KEVIN
Friends. Yeah! Why not friends? I might like to try that! Like you an' Jerry!
[Men's room door. Flush sound and "Wooo!".]
[Down the hall, a MAN in a suit is trying to use the copier as KRAMER comes out of the men's room affecting nonchalance.]
MAN
[frustrated] Damn thing is jammed again..
KRAMER
You know what happens with these? The rollers, they get flat spots on 'em. [hits button several times and whacks it]
MAN #2
[rushing by, tense] Hey Leland wants everyone in the conference room right now.
MAN
Come on, let's go.
KRAMER
[absently wants to be part of it] Oh, yeah--yeah.. [follows them]
[Monk's. GEORGE, JERRY, and ELAINE at a booth.]
ELAINE
[to JERRY] Remember I was telling you about Gillian, my friend who writes for the L.L. Bean catalogue? I really think you
should give her a call.
JERRY
[doubtful] I don't know, do you have a--
[ELAINE has anticipated the question, gives him her picture.]
JERRY
Not bad. Wuh--what does she--
ELAINE
[dry] I put her stats on the back.
JERRY
Pretty impressive--"Serious boyfriend '92 to '95." Owns her own car.. "Favorite president: James Polk!" [ELAINE had
echoed: "Uh-huh. Yup." during it]
GEORGE
Hnn! Let me see that.
JERRY
[hands it to him as he asks ELAINE] So how'd it go with Kevin? Did you, steel-toe his ass back to Kentucky?
ELAINE
[laughs in appreciation] You are not gonna believe this! I told him that I just wanted to be friends. He's fine with it. He really
wants to be friends.
JERRY
Why would anybody want a friend.
ELAINE
[dread] Uh.
It's really not that bad, actually. He said he'd even go with me to the Museum of Miniatures. This is something you would never
ever do.
JERRY
I mean all that stuff is so small..
[(ELAINE is wryly assessing him)]
stupid..
GEORGE
[still looking at that picture] You know if I told my engagement story to that receptionist, but told her this, was my fiance..
JERRY
What?
GEORGE
Don't you see. Women like that are like, members of a secret tribe living in a forbidden city. People like me have not been
inside in thousands of years.. But with this, it's like I've already been with one of her own! My hands been stamped! I come
and go as I please!
ELAINE
[wry, not impressed] Well you cracked it! I warned the Queen you were gettin' close an', now it looks like we're gonna have to
move the whole damn forbidden city. [chuckles with JERRY]
GEORGE
[getting up] Can I keep this?
ELAINE
No, I need it.
GEORGE
[absently leaving with it] Thanks.
[The Brand/Leland office reception area. GEORGE comes in off elevator to the RECEPTIONIST (AMANDA).]
GEORGE
Hi. I'm ah, I'm here to see a Mr. Art Vandelay..
AMANDA
I'm sorry sir, there is no Mr. Vandelay here..
GEORGE
[taking out wallet] Well, let me. Heh. Let me just eh.. check an', make sure I have the right man--ha! Heh, heh, heh!
Seems--oh! I, oh! [has conveniently dropped the photo into her view]
AMANDA
Oh! She's beautiful! Who is she?
GEORGE
[humble] Well, if you must know, shhhe, was my fiance, Susan. May she rest in peace.
AMANDA
Oh, sorry.. She was lovely. I'm Amanda.
GEORGE
[shaking hands] I'm George.
[As they continue talking, MAN3 and KRAMER go to the elevator.]
MAN3
Good work today, K-man!
KRAMER
Well, you know what they say, you don't sell the steak, you sell the sizzle.
MAN3
Heh, heh!
KRAMER
{You want a drink? I'm buyin'.}
MAN3
In that case, make mine a double!
[They yuck it up, getting on the elevator.]
[Night at a restaurant. JERRY and GILLIAN meet.]
GILLIAN
Jerry?
JERRY
Gillian. Hiii..
GILLIAN
Very nice to meet you.
JERRY
It's nice to meet you!
[They're shaking hands and he notices hers are like a man's--nice enough, but big, beefy.]
[Day, at Monk's. JERRY and ELAINE are in a booth.]
JERRY
She had man-hands.
ELAINE
[pause] Man, Hands?
JERRY
The hands of a man. It's like a creature out of Greek Mythology, I mean, she was like part woman, part horrible beast.
ELAINE
[weary] {Look,} would you, prefer it, if she had, no hands at all?
JERRY
Would she have hooks?
ELAINE
Do uh, do hooks make it more attractive, Jerry?
JERRY
Kinda cool lookin'..
ELAINE
[getting up to go] Uh.. Listen, you're picking me up from my {place tomorrow}--
JERRY
[leaving too] Yeah. Yeah.
ELAINE
Okay, I've got five, huge boxes of {buttons}.
JERRY
Right. Well if you need an extra set of hands, I know who you can call--
ELAINE
[weary] Jerry!
[Early morning in Jerry's "house," a tea kettle is whistling. KRAMER's cooking breakfast as JERRY comes out of the bedroom,
tired but surprised. He's in his pajamas. KRAMER's wearing a suit and oven mitts.]
JERRY
Kramer?!
KRAMER
Hey buddy! Hey!
JERRY
It--eight o'clock in the morning! What the hell is goin' on?!
KRAMER
Breakfast. I gotta be in at Brand/Leland by nine.
JERRY
Why??
KRAMER
Because I'm workin' there, that's why.
JERRY
[disoriented] How long have I been asleep? What--what year is this?
KRAMER
Jerry. I don't know if you've noticed, but lately, I've been drifting, aimlessly?
JERRY
[snaps fingers] Now that you mention it.
KRAMER
But I finally realized what's missing, in my life. Structure. An' at Brand/Leland, I'm gettin' things done. An' I love the people I'm
workin' with.
JERRY
How much are they payin' you?
KRAMER
Oh, no, no, no-no--I don't want any pay.
I'm doin' this just for me.
JERRY
Really. So uh, what do you do down there all day?
KRAMER
T.C.B.
You know, takin' care o' business.
Aa--I gotta go.
JERRY
All right.
KRAMER
[leaving] I'll see you tonight, huh? [turning back, grabs his briefcase] Forget my briefcase.
JERRY
W-w-wha' you got in there?
KRAMER
[as he leaves with it] Crackers.
[MUSIC (Sheena Easton's "Morning Train (Nine to Five)") accompanies assorted shots of working-man KRAMER:
Getting on the subway (everyone else is going the opposite direction).
Washing his shoes at the water cooler.
Eating rolls of crackers out of his briefcase.
Laughing it up after hours with co-workers at a TGIF-type restaurant.]
[JERRY at home on the phone. GEORGE is on the other end.]
JERRY
So the picture worked. Amazing!
GEORGE
Hey, she wants me to dress uh "smart casual." What uh, what is that?
JERRY
I don't know, but you don't have it.
GEORGE
Right. Bye.
[ELAINE comes in, appalled, shrugging at JERRY. He doesn't know why so shrugs back.]
ELAINE
Where were you today?
JERRY
What?
ELAINE
Pick. Up.
JERRY
[whispers] Damn.
ELAINE
So? Where were you?!
JERRY
Uh, here I guess, an' uh, uh I went out and picked up a paper.
ELAINE
[irritated, throwing down her bag] I had to ask Kevin, to leave his office an' come an' pick me up!
JERRY
So? What are friends for?
ELAINE
Yeah! An' he is a friend, Jerry. He is reliable. He is considerate. He's like your, exact opposite.
JERRY
So he's Bizarro Jerry!
ELAINE
[pause] Bizarro Jerry?
JERRY
Yeah. Like Bizarro Superman. Superman's exact opposite, who lives in the backwards bizarro world. Up is Down. Down is
Up. He says "Hello" when he leaves, "Good bye" when he arrives.
ELAINE
[pause] Shouldn't he say "Bad bye"? Isn't that the, opposite of "Good bye"?
JERRY
No. It's still a goodbye.
ELAINE
Uh. Does he live underwater?
JERRY
No.
ELAINE
Is he black..
JERRY
Look. Just, forget it, {already}. All right?
[KRAMER enters, exhausted, frazzled.]
KRAMER
Wow. Man. What a day.
Could I use a drink. [starts getting a drink and ice]
JERRY
Tough day at the office?
KRAMER
Just comin' in, an' that phone just wouldn't stop.
JERRY
Well, we better get goin' if we're gonna go to that uh, seven o'clock cold fusion.
KRAMER
Yeah. Well, count me out. I'm swimmin'. Old man Leland is bustin' my hump over these reports. If I don't get 'em done by nine,
I'm toast.. [{takes a swig and reacts}]
[Exterior of cheap-looking bar with neon "V"s on the outside. Then interior, it's a black-walled dance bar full of gorgeous
women and GEORGE and AMANDA.]
GEORGE
This is a fantastic place! I always thought it was a meat packing plant!
[Three female MODELS come up to them.]
MODEL #1
Hey! Amanda!
AMANDA
These are my friends. Anabelle, Justina, and Nikki. We used to model together.
GEORGE
Oh! Modelling! What's that like? Fun? Ha ha. [to self in head] Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!
AMANDA
So Nikki, uh, how was Paris this time?
MODEL #2
[petulant] A bore.
GEORGE
You know, I used to love Paris. My uh, dead Fiance, Susan.. [opening wallet] In fact I. think I, I may have a picture of her..
[shows them the picture]
MODEL #3
[awed] Wow.. She was beautiful.. Do you wanna dance?
[Exterior of a restaurant.]
[Close-up of GILLIAN's man-hands tearing restaurant bread in half.]
[GILLIAN and JERRY at a table in a restaurant. JERRY's hiding his horror of her hands.]
GILLIAN
Would you like some bread, Jerry?
JERRY
No.. No thanks, I'm, just not hungry.
GILLIAN
Well, then at least drink your beer.. [she's opening the bottle--brief closeup on hands]
JERRY
[to self] It's not a... Twist off.
GILLIAN
You have a little something on your face.
JERRY
I can get it. [feeling his face]
GILLIAN
Eh, no-no, No-no.. You're missing it, it's higher. [reaches over]
[A close-up of his face while a man-hand is getting the very small thing. He's uneasy.]
GILLIAN
[friendly] It's an eyelash. Make a wish.
[Closeup of his face with her outstretched finger in front of him.]
JERRY
I don't want to.
GILLIAN
Make a wish.
JERRY
Okay. [closes eyes, blows on her finger, opens eyes, says to self] Didn't come true.
GILLIAN
[smiles at him] Don't you just love lobster?
[Closeup of her man-hands tearing open a lobster.]
[Night, ELAINE and KEVIN walking into Reggie's diner.]
KEVIN
That Museum of Miniatures was amazing.
ELAINE
I know, he's so tiny!
[Two guys are sitting in a booth and KEVIN sees them, motioning ELAINE to come along.]
KEVIN
Yeah! Hey--hey guys! Elaine, sit down. These are a couple o' my friends. Uh, this is Gene. And this guy, we.. just call
"Feldman!"
[GENE is short and bald with glasses. Feldman is tall and a little goofy-looking. ELAINE sits with them.]
ELAINE
[to self in head] Bizarro world..
[time: 10:33]
[Commercial Break]
[Day, JERRY and GEORGE at Monk's.]
GEORGE
[delighted] Jerry? It was incredible! Models! As far as the eye could see!
JERRY
Then it does exist.
GEORGE
Yes. The legends are true.
JERRY
So when are you goin' out with this girl again?
GEORGE
I'm not! I'm inside the walls!
JERRY
So you're gonna burn that bridge.
GEORGE
Flame on!
[Reggie's, FELDMAN, GENE, and KEVIN are at a booth when ELAINE comes and sits with them.]
GENE
[about the check] I got it.
KEVIN
[grabs it] No. You got it last time.
GENE
[calmly takes it] Don't worry about it.
ELAINE
[to self in head] This is unbelievable..
FELDMAN
Hey Elaine, what do you think of an alarm clock, that automatically tells you the weather when you wake up?
ELAINE
Well, I gotta say that I think that that is a fantastic idea, Feldman!
FELDMAN
Nah, it's not--it's just not practical.
KEVIN
[getting up] Well. See ya later, Elaine. Feldman an' I 'a' gotta get down 'o the library. [the three guys are leaving]
ELAINE
What are you gonna do down there?
KEVIN
Read!
ELAINE
[pause, then vaguely waves while watching them leave] Hello?
[At Jerry's, JERRY and KRAMER eating breakfast. KRAMER's tired, preoccupied with the paper, JERRY's in a blue robe
eating cereal and orange juice.]
JERRY
So, uh. Gillian's comin' over later. I think I'm gonna end it.
KRAMER
Uh-huh.
JERRY
Those meaty paws, I feel like I'm dating George "The Animal" Steele.
KRAMER
Yeah..
JERRY
Maybe I'll chain her to the refrigerator an' sell tickets.
KRAMER
That's nice..
JERRY
Kramer, put the paper down! You never listen to me anymore! We hardly even talk!
KRAMER
Well, we're, talkin' now, aren't we?--
JERRY
I sit here for twenty lousy minutes in the morning--
KRAMER
Oh here we go--
JERRY
An' then when you come home at night, you're always exhausted--we never do anything anymore!
KRAMER
What are you starting with me for? You know this is my crazy time o' year?!
JERRY
[pause] It's your third day..
KRAMER
[grabs briefcase to leave] I gotta go to work. We'll talk about this later. [leaves]
JERRY
Well.
[calling down the hall] Call if you're gonna be late!
[ELAINE's arrived.]
ELAINE
What? What is goin' on with you two?
JERRY
Oh, I don't wanna talk about it..
ELAINE
All right, listen. Have you seen my addre-- [sees address book on counter] --ah! There it is. Okay. I got it. I'll see you later.
[leaving]
JERRY
Hey! Wait! Wait! Wait a second! Where you goin'? I-I hardly ever see you anymore.
ELAINE
[stops, pause] Well, I.
[a little ashamed] I guess I been at Reggie's..
JERRY
The Bizarro coffeeshop?
ELAINE
Kevin and his friends are nice people! They do good things. They read..
JERRY
I read.
ELAINE
Books, Jerry.
JERRY
[pause] Oh.
Big deal..
ELAINE
Well! I can't spend the rest of my life coming into this stinking apartment every ten minutes to pore over the, excruciating
minutia, of every, single, daily event..
JERRY
{What's goin' on,} like yesterday, I go to the bank to make a deposit, an' the teller gives me this look, like--
ELAINE
I'll see you later man. I gotta go.
JERRY
[frustrated, to self] The whole system is breakin' down!
[GEORGE in his bathroom, drying his hair, looking at Gillian's picture. In the background, on a door, is a poster of a closeup of
Dennis Franz in black and white. The phone rings and GEORGE puts the picture and blow-drier together on the side of the
sink--the dryer's still running.]
GEORGE
Hello?
Amanda. Hi, yes. Listen. You know, I'm thinkin', we might just be better of bein' friends.
Yeah.
Yeah, you know what, I can't even really talk about it right now.
Bye-bye. [hangs up]
[happy with himself, but then sees the burned up photo] No! No!
[At Jerry's, JERRY and GILLIAN.]
GILLIAN
Friends. Just friends.
JERRY
Yeah.
GILLIAN
Yeah.
All right. Well, do you still want to see a movie later?
JERRY
I wish I could, but, we're friends..
GILLIAN
I'm just gonna go, wash my hands.
JERRY
Good idea. [phone's ringing, goes to it]
[muttering] There's a beach towel on the rack..
[to phone] Yeah.
GEORGE
[frantic] Jerry! Jerry, muh--muh--my hair-dryer ruined the picture! An' I need another one or I can't get back into the
forbidden city!
JERRY
[to drive him crazy] Who is this..
GEORGE
Jerry! I need you to get another picture of man-hands. I'm beggin' you!
JERRY
[pause] If I get it for you, will you take me to that club an' show me a good time?
GEORGE
Yes! Yes, all right--anything!
[JERRY looks toward the bathroom--GILLIAN's taking forever--she's got quite a job there. He opens her purse and peeks
around in it. Close-up of his hand getting the picture.]
JERRY
Got it. [but now a man-hand grabs his arm] Uh!
[Jerry's house, it's dark, JERRY is sitting at the table waiting up as KRAMER comes in and turns on the light.]
KRAMER
Jerry. Hey Jerry?
JERRY
I'm right here. [note: he has an athletic bandage on his right hand]
You're late.
KRAMER
Yeah, well, I got held up, you know. What happened to your hand?
JERRY
Like you care.
KRAMER
The work piled up, I lost track of time--
JERRY
[calmly getting up with plate of chicken] Oh! Sure! Sure! You an' your work! Elaine's off in the Bizarro World, George only
calls when he wants something, an' I'm left sitting here like this plate of cold chicken, which, by the way, [drops chicken into
sink] was, for two.
KRAMER
You cooked?
JERRY
[calm] I ordered in. It's still effort.
KRAMER
[in pain] Ow! Jeez!
JERRY
What's wrong?
KRAMER
{Ow!} It's my stomach.
JERRY
You're probably gettin' an ulcer. This job is killing you! It's killing Us.
KRAMER
[putting briefcase down] You know what? You're right. These reports, they can wait a couple of hours. Whadda say we go out
tonight? Any place you want.
JERRY
The coffeeshop?
KRAMER
You got it, buddy.
JERRY
[pleased] I'll call George!
[Night exterior. GEORGE, JERRY, and KRAMER walking down the street. Down the sidewalk is ELAINE coming out of a
shop by a liquor store.]
JERRY
Hey. Isn't that Elaine?
GEORGE
[quiet, desperate] Maybe she can get me another picture of man-hands.
[calling] Elaine!
JERRY
Elaine!
KRAMER
Elaine!
ALL THREE
Elaine! Elaine!
[ELAINE finally notices them, but suddenly from the other direction, three other guys are coming: GENE, KEVIN, and
FELDMAN.]
KEVIN
Hey! Elaine!
Hi-i! Over here!
[Eerie music as ELAINE looks one way, then the other. All the MEN continue walking toward her. They all meet by her. To
the left of ELAINE are KEVIN, GENE, and FELDMAN. To the right of her are KRAMER, GEORGE, and JERRY. It's like
a bizarre mirroring.]
ELAINE
Jerry.. George, Kramer.. This is Kevin, Gene.. and Feldman.
[The MEN murmur "How ya doin'..", "Good to meet you.."]
JERRY
[quietly crept out] This is really weird..
[KRAMER's drinking--a bottle of Pepto Bismol.]
ELAINE
[diplomatically to KEVIN, GENE, and FELDMAN] Could you guys excuse us, just for a moment.
KEVIN
Sure. [strolls away with his friends]
ELAINE
[pause] Thanks. [to JERRY, GEORGE, and KRAMER] What.. what do you guys want..
GEORGE
Elaine, I got to have another picture of Gillian.
JERRY
I tried to get him one but Man-Hands almost ripped my arm out of the socket!
[While the three argue briefly, ELAINE looks over to see where KEVIN and FRIENDS are. They are friendly giving a beggar
money.]
KEVIN
{Here ya are.}
ELAINE
[pause, turns back to JERRY et al.] Guys. I gotta go.
Take it easy.
[GEORGE tentatively follows her a couple steps.]
GEORGE
Elaine?
[she turns, sighing]
Can I come?
ELAINE
I'm, I'm sorry.. We've already got a George..
[KEVIN, GENE, and FELDMAN cheerily/nicely turn to ELAINE as she joins them. They all go on companionably. JERRY,
GEORGE, and KRAMER look on awkwardly.]
[Day, interior of Brand/Leland, KRAMER's in LELAND's office. LELAND's a greying man.]
KRAMER
What did you want to see me about, Mr. Leland?
LELAND
Kramer, I've.. been reviewing your work.. Quite frankly, it stinks.
KRAMER
Well, I ah.. been havin' trouble at home and uh.. I mean, ah, you know, I'll work harder, nights, weekends, whatever it takes..
LELAND
No, no, I don't think that's going to, do it, uh. These reports you handed in. It's almost as if you have no business training at all..
I don't know what this is supposed to be!
KRAMER
Well, I'm uh, just--tryin' to get ahead..
LELAND
Well, I'm sorry. There's just no way that we could keep you on.
KRAMER
I don't even really work here!
LELAND
That's what makes this so difficult.
[Night, GEORGE at the forbidden city.]
GEORGE
Hi. George.
MODEL #4
Are you sure you're supposed to be here?
GEORGE
Oh, yeah. Yeah. I used to come here all the time with my fiance, back when it was a meat-packing plant. Ha. Here's her
picture. [hands her a magazine page]
MODEL #4
What'd you do? Cut this out of a magazine or something?
GEORGE
Huh?
MODEL #5
That's me? It's from a Clinique ad I did..
GEORGE
Ha! Heh.
[Muscled BOUNCER comes up.]
BOUNCER
Let's go. Private party. [escorts him out]
[Night, Kevin's apartment. The doorbell rings. KEVIN gets up to get it. GENE is reading on the couch. The apartment layout
and furniture is the reverse of Jerry's--what's to the left in Jerry's is to the right at Kevin's. Also, Kevin's furnishings have more
earth tones.]
KEVIN
Who is it?
ELAINE
[off-camera] It's Lainey!
KEVIN
[unlocks, opens door]
Hi Elaine! [warmly hugs her]
ELAINE
Hi {?}. Oh! Oh-oh-oh-oh!
KEVIN
Come on in!
ELAINE
Okay. Hi Gene! [comfortably tosses her bag to the left, it falls on the floor] Uh-ha! [smiling, picks up her bag, puts it on a chair
that's to the right]
[As KEVIN gets back to reading, ELAINE looks around, noting how everything is the reverse. There's a unicycle on the wall.
There's a bookcase near the couch. She goes to the kitchen. He has whole foods, not cereal boxes.]
ELAINE
What's up?
KEVIN
[friendly] Just reading..
[ELAINE decides to make herself at home, opens the refrigerator and starts eating olives out of a jar, with her fingers. In the
living room area, KEVIN is looking at her. Note: a statue of Bizarro Superman on a stereo speaker.]
KEVIN
Hey.. What're you doing?
ELAINE
Eatin' olives.
KEVIN
Have you ever heard of asking? [door bell rings]
Who is it?
FELDMAN
[off-screen] Feldman..
From across the hall.
KEVIN
[drops his suspicion and smiles, goes to door] Hold on. [unlocks and opens door]
Hey.
FELDMAN
He-ey, Kevin!
KEVIN
Hi.
FELDMAN
Look who I ran into.
[VARGUS, a heavy Fed-Ex guy comes into view in the hall.]
VARGUS
[testy] Hello, Kevin..
KEVIN
[testy] Hello, Vargus..
[They both break into grins, chuckling--it was a joke.]
KEVIN
Ya wanna catch a ballgame this weekend?
VARGUS
Great! I'll see ya later! [leaves]
KEVIN
Okay. [to self, smiling] Vargus..
[to FELDMAN] {So?}
FELDMAN
I got 'em..
KEVIN
All right! Hey, Elaine, Feldman was able to get us all tickets to the Bolshoi!
ELAINE
Oh! [comes to him]
KEVIN
[enthused] Fourth row, center.
ELAINE
Get out! [pushes him back, but he falls back on the floor!]
[GENE and FELDMAN rush to KEVIN, who's hurt!]
GENE
[to ELAINE] What is the matter with you?
ELAINE
Oh, Kevin! I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can do?
GENE?
Haven't you done enough already?
[Embarrassed, she grabs her bag and tries to leave. But the locks are set and the rape chain's in place. She tries to undo the
locks.]
ELAINE
[turning to them, awkward] It's locked..
[The meat-packing plant. GEORGE and JERRY are walking around. The walls are still black, but there's no furniture and there
are sides of beef hanging on hooks, sawdust on the floor. They are the only people there. GEORGE is dismayed, and bumps
into a side of beef in his distraction.]
JERRY
So this is it, huh?
GEORGE
But it--eh.. It was here, I'm tellin' you, an' w--w--it was really here! The, there was, a, bar, and a, an' a dance floor..
JERRY
[dry] I guess the DJ booth was over there behind the bone saw?
[really disappointed] Get out of here George.
[Shot of their feet in the sawdust as they walk out. There is the magazine photo GEORGE had brought there the previous night.]
[time: 10:52]
[Commercial Break]
[Day, exterior of an apartment building. As credits run, the familiar Seinfeld interlude music, but done via corny "Brady
Bunch"-esque sound effects.]
[Interior of Kevin's apartment. GENE and KEVIN are talking.]
GENE
At work today, I discovered there's a payphone in the lobby that has free long distance.
KEVIN
Oh, so what did you do?
GENE
I called the phone company an' immediately reported the error.
KEVIN
Nice.
[doorbell rings]
Who is it?
FELDMAN
[off-screen] Feldman..
From across the hall.
KEVIN
[smiles, relieved] Hold on.
[GENE's arranging fruit as KEVIN goes to unlock and open the door. FELDMAN's carrying two paper bags of groceries.]
FELDMAN
Kevin! Brought some groceries.
KEVIN
Again?! Feldman, you didn't have to do that!
FELDMAN
Hey, what are friends for?
KEVIN
You know, I may not say this enough but you two are about the best friends a guy could have.
[They have a long smarmy group hug.]
KEVIN
[eyes closed in hug] Oh.
Me so happy. Me want to cry.
<Spellchecked and reformatted by Mike "The News Guy">